Today , I really feel as I should tell you as what I did come across was a narcissistic individual whom I made the mistake of making my wife . So , what exactly is narcissism . Let me break it down for you today before I give you traits of such a wife .
Narcissism is a set of personality traits . Characterized by being self-centered, having a sense of entitlement,having a need of admiration and most importantly low agreeableness.
When you move past this . It has two types of Narcissistic people :
1) Grandiose 2) Vulnerable
1) Grandiose – You will see them being super confident , Superficial charm , being arrogant , being resistant to criticism,being callous, unemotional and having externalized anger.
2) Vulnerable – They will be distrusting, feeling insecure,resentful, having lot of shame, being hypersensitive to criticism , being distant, cold,unforgiving and having internalized anger.
But during my therapy and learning more and even being with one I was told and experienced that mostly have a mixed bag eventually having something of both.
Now the list of things I am about to tell you are from a narcissistic wife towards a healthy husband. If both are narcissistic then I don’t know. I am clinically proven healthy man with emotions and all these will fit only if you have such a cruel wife.
1) Wife is Disappointed – You will have a continuous sense that your wife is disappointed. She will be disgusted by the way you dress , his earnings,his job , his contribution or the lack to do house chores,Interaction with her friends & family, his motivation,his education level. Basically , not in everyway but in most of the ways your wife is putting you down . She will give herself a reason and puts forth that she is a victim of bad marriage , bad husband. But then at the same time if he gets attention from another woman she becomes pretty responsive. This will seem pretty opposite to what she is doing but that is how it is .
2) Wife will take sides against husband as a default – She assumes worst of the husband. She will have a lot of distrust for him. She doesn’t trust you to do anything right . Be it buying new furniture even basic as water purifier. She will go on to say things questioning his ability to get a better brand or price. She will never be happy by what he has got instead will find ways to embarrass him . Basically she will kind of make it a point to tell you that you are not good at anything and are a bad husband.
3) Fantasies of Past & future- This is pretty heart-breaking when you realize and find out . So here , the wife actually travels back in time and thinks of the man she could have been with . The one who had more money, more power or you can say better provider, even better lover. She has this regret of not being able to get him. Your wife will bring this up in lines and you won’t understand as what she means . For example – I shouldn’t have settled , I should have listened to my friends & family who told me not to marry you , I should have trusted my instincts, I have had people in my life who loved and cared more than you ever did .
Once she starts seeing fantasies in the future then the marriage is over. She is comparing you to other guys she is seeing around . She starts looking at other men as what they can bring to the table. In my case or can be yours you will see that your wife has suddenly become supportive of your new job . This has happened because she can see her future fantasy being true. Your better salary mean more travel , bigger house but most importantly it will keep you more occupied which means she can go out more and explore her new BBD or bigger better deal .
4) Husband Paying for Sins of her Ex / Bad doers – You as a husband have done wrong to her from 5 lifetimes back . Anyone in her past life be her ex or anyone who has done anything to hurt her is on you . You are her punching bag . She will take out all her anger in various forms and in someway justify it for herself by telling you that ,”you all are the same”, “you are just another moron” . You as a husband are already lost in galaxy and when such statements pop up you cannot help but wonder as , who the hell is she referring to ? Did I dp something which reminded her of somebody ? But I am not a BF , friend who would walk away . Why can’t she just tell me and sort out ?? . And when you confront her she will go on to say that you hurt her more than she did to you . So this makes us even . And this will also be said with sarcasm at it’s peak .
5) NO True connection in the marriage – Being a communication specialist I can easily tell you that a lot can be said by the way a couple communicates in a marriage with one another. You will notice that your Wife is emotionally distant and callous . This is absolutely destructive to the relationship . Everytime you would want to start an emotional topic she will dodge them . She will avoid depth or is absolutely not capable to connect deeply and even gets frustrated. In my case she would be like ,’We are talking. I don’t know what do you want me to say more”. There will be no room for you to move deeply anywhere . She is stuck in her own past mental block and is not ready to move forward into an emotionally fulfilling relationship.
6) She will make you cut off from friends & family and venting frustrations – Here you will notice that every time you dare to complain about something , she will complain back with even a bigger problem. Eventually you yourself will be shutdown . Her counter complain shuts down your venting . If see finds out that you might share something with your friends she can even divert your time with friends or people she like more eventually cutting you off from everyone else. This is such a subtle tactic that you will not even realize. She will bring in people who have very little common with you so that you have a diverted attention all the time . All of your good friends are just bunch of losers .
But on the other hand if you point out any of her friends being bad company you will be labelled as controlling. In my case , her father jumped in the scene as well . So , you will see very clear double standards. Your mere suggestion of self improvement of a specific behaviour will be called as blame shifting. Instead of listening as how this change can improve relationship this will be regarded as a cheap shot . She will not take any responsibility of her actions and not giving you any ground to work upon making everything better. In her eyes you are just being sensitive and would completely ignore as what mentally is doing it to you .
7) Making you guilty for being Intimate – So when you try to be initiate she will literally push you away. In my case she would just lie still and turn her face away . I would ask her what happened and she was never in the mood. On the flip side I was told I just don’t feel like doing it and it’s your fault . But later on I figured out this was just another tactic to make me feel guilty and make me isolated .
She even once said that after what you are doing to me all you think is just sex. And I asked ,”what have I done is the question I am asking you from last 9 months now. Tell me “. Her Response , ” I cannot go on tell you again & again” . It’s just playing with your head and making you want to think about a talk which never happened. I saw her smiling in the mirror once after she said all this without realizing that I can see her from an angle . That was the day when I figured out the game .
8) Threat to Leave & destroy you – She will scare you to the core but won’t do anything about it . She is basically trying to tell you that if you try and do something about this then you will face consequences. She will go on to tell her family & friends as what a loser you are . This is one of the ways of manipulation and I got into it for a pretty long duration . Hurting your reputation , financially did made me stop from doing anything for many months . I remember asking her as why she does not divorce me if I am so bad . She responded by saying , “I am alright into this . If you think you are not go & do something about it”.
9) Thoughtlessness – The entire concept of marriage is you becoming two . So whatever plans and things you plan on doing you plan it with your partner. Here you will see that your wife will plans vacations, short trips, dinners or even buying things with you not even in the picture . On asking you will get a response that you were never interested , you are not concerned about us or even going on to say it’s ,”my friends what the hell will you do there ” ; absolute self centered approach .
She would expect her birthday to be full of gifts and surprises but on my birthday she wouldn’t even do anything . She would expect me to bring her something from my trip but in my marriage lasting 18 months I don’t remember a single gift she got me .
So , the paradox here is that you as a husband will see that your wife is thoughtful but only about herself. She will deny to your plans blaming it on not getting enough holidays from work but when she wants to go out with her friends , holiday is no problem .
If you have such a wife , talk to her if you can or just leave when you can .