The society has brainwashed us in confusing attachment with love . You fall in love instantly . After talking to someone for months , you actually act out of investment you have made in them and take that as love but it’s not really love . In my eyes , when I meet a girl or even talk to her its an instant thing . You don’t know will you marry that person or not later but even without knowing them completely you see potential . This could be the ONE at least the thought crosses your mind . And when you think later you know that first talk was different , something new happened and it can become fantastic . That is what you think upon and stay committed .
The reason why many of the relationships do not reach full potential is because one or both partners have not healed from fears from past relationship . She is still not completely out of it , has still not become vulnerable enough for new hurt and joy and will end up ruining the best guy she ever met who touched her heart , self sabotage the entire relationship . She will either end up staying alone or possibility of going back to even ex because it feels safer there . A lot can go together against you if you are not healed but at the same time if both of you acknowledge the fact that whatever we have discovered is great but let’s take a little slow and discover each other more and slowly heal and fall deeper into one another . Vulnerability can be a really overwhelming experience.
The girl I am talking about did admit that this is something never ever she has felt but at the same time keep bringing her own fears for herself to act as a fence rather than talking it out and resolving. What are the chances of you finding such individual again . I tried to get her talking and even meet in person thinking she will come and talk face to face . But she backed out and I would never want a girl to be pushed into a long term relationship . It’s her who should realise that or atleast help me help her realising it . Nothing happened and that magic of endless talks of hours and hours in the corona times just went in the air . POOF !
I really wanted us to get healed together as there is nothing called right person at the wrong time. The process to heal is not just a cake walk. I will be honest if I had not gone to therapist and a coach , I would not have been able to resolve my issues and take a step towards healing at this speed. But if you can write yourself names of the people who did hurt you and then sharing it with your partner over a glass of wine discussing over and after the list is over , just burn it off , you will genuinely feel great.
The problem with S was that she wanted love but at the same time had set these huge walls around her heart . I kept trying my best to make her comfortable and speak out whatever fears she had and be as casual about them as a man . I do not remember ever telling her such behaviour is an absolute no no for me. I saw potential in us and I kept going . Giving myself more or less an acceptance of a long distance relationship as due to lockdown we could not meet . But I guess either I was not able to comfort her enough or she was not able to understand as what she had with me was unique and it made her become a better version .
On top of it the way she ended by saying that we have now become boring rather shows that I had a future in mind whereas she had me as a stress-buster. I admit of being coming out as a loud-mouth but knowing me deep enough she knew it was probably use of bad dictionary than the intent . But anyway she had her flaws as-well. It’s a Good to Bad ratio for which you settle with someone . I guess she saw nothing else and I wont get answers anyway . But at least the experience taught me as I am not that bad of a guy as I was told by my partner and most importantly it made me realise that I can fall in love again . What a story it could have been S . Anyway let’s hit back to the topic !!
You cannot search for love without accepting what joy and pain it brings with it . If one has found a basic connection it’s just about matching the tune each day rather than looking to write the full song. You cannot have fear when you decide to fall in love. You cannot have a thought process of “ALL MEN ARE DOGS’ and still be on the lookout. You need to have a positive mindset and approach towards the connection you think has potential. It will be contradicting yourself if jump in the dating scene with this mindset.
It’s not like you cannot have negative thoughts . You are human and you will have them but the number of positive ones are more and that is when you should jump into the dating scene. Words you speak and language you speak to yourself will make the difference. You cannot have negative thoughts with smile on your face. You are miserable person giving same energy . Who would want that ..
If not healed you might get attracted to a broken person but you wont get yourself tied to them . Myself was tricked into one and it has no possibility to last .
Look to Fall in love when you are ready to get hurt again.