Manipulative Women/Partner

Having a manipulative wife is potentially very damaging to your marriage. She can and do wreak havoc in your life. The important thing is not to let her think she has the upper hand and has upset you, which is easier said than done. You might be getting manipulated in your relationship without even knowing it. 

Manipulation can be defined as using influence and intimate knowledge of the other person’s weaknesses and vulnerabilities to exploit them emotionally in a bid to control them to serve one’s own end. A manipulative wife might be doing exactly that and you are unable to understand the signs of a devious woman.

This manipulation will happen when the other person has gained complete control over you.This will happen especially when you are fully committed like marriage or in an intimate relationship. She will behave nice , get you going and your love,trust and emotions will be absolutely ripped apart without you even realising it . Manipulation is a huge and probably the biggest Red Flag you can spot in a person but most likely like me you will end up ignoring them. Why ? You have no idea such things exist , You love her a lot and have thought of giving her the world already. 

All these will soon be used to emotional abuse you and manipulate . Signs would be right in front of you but you will ignore them.

Marriage is an alliance. You need to work together with your spouse and build day by day. You compromise and adjust with full heart and soul with no regrets . Whereas, the one who wants to manipulate will do for her own selfish gains and cannot imagine to compromise and adjust because they want things in a particular way. They will never adjust to partner’s way of living. 

My therapist told me that this behaviour has become part of them. And what they are doing is known to them but many don’t feel that this manipulation is wrong for their spouse. Such character buildup can be traced back to childhood trauma,bad parenting,teenage blunders where they saw father or mother doing such things and have eventually become a toxic person.This has now engulfed them and this is now who they are. 

A manipulative person will use tactics to control others. Generally they would shed tears,get angry, say things to hurt eventually leading to emotional blackmail and even using sarcasm to make the partner give in to their demands. If your wife is doing such things deliberately every time then my friend your wife is taking you for a ride and it’s going to be very expensive one as well. When you are manipulated , you don’t actually realise it and think from the side of heart and head which blinks LOVE LOVE LOVE and covers everything. In my case I remember now when I think that signs were subtle and went completely unnoticed. 

The weird bit is that her way of dealing and talking will leave you in an illusion. You would end up doing things yourself but in a manner they wanted it and giving them all the control. The moment of truth comes pretty late and in my time I accidently ended up with the therapist . The very first time when you share and Therapist tells you that your wife is devious,you don’t believe it. She kept telling me signs after signs and I kept nodding yes but my mind said NO NO NO. I broke as a man, as a lover and as a husband when I actually felt the truth. Acceptance is the most difficult thing in such cases.You are being manipulated by the women you love in entire universe and you had no idea about it. It’s a feeling I cannot describe and I would pray that no one in the world has to go through it.

Then my therapist mentioned even bigger shocker. She said that people like her won’t stop. Every single thing in terms of your weakness , your secrets , some big mistake you made in the past are all about to and will be used against you to manipulate you to break you to question yourself. Listening such things are not easy and if you are reading this I cannot even imagine what have you started thinking already. 

When you get married you are happy. You are happy because now you have someone to love,care,trust.Marriage is built up on these pillars. Nobody marries to get manipulated but some women are like that who just want things the way they want. For a man such marriage with such devious woman can be an absolute nightmare and a life with her is just going to be miserable. If you are still reading this , I am going to mention few signs which you can spot and take some action in saving your marriage. These signs are the signs which I felt and my therapist pointed out explaining that these are toxic . You might see all or just one but that does not mean your wife is devious or a covert narcissist like in my case. Think through . 

Life coach Melody Fletcher says that, “People who are manipulative and people who get manipulated are basically two sides of the same coin. The manipulator uses her techniques to feel good while the person who is manipulated wants to do service to others, to please others to get the scraps of love and affirmation.We cannot really stop everyone from manipulating us but we have to own our power and that can be done by anticipating the different ways people try to manipulate us and react to it accordingly.”

In my case I was manipulated in a way that even subconsciously I was absorbed by her thoughts. I had started thinking that whole world is against me and the only one who cares about me is her . This made a major damage in me emotionally and I had no reason to doubt her either. But this was the emotional abuse to me and like me many do not even realise what has happened to them. Here are 8 signs that can tell you if your wife is manipulative:

1) She is Teachy & Pedantic Personality –  Coming from the family of teachers ; her father a Professor and Mother a teacher like a pedantic person thought that everyone should be taught what they think is right and that they are doing things for their good. Her father and herself thought that they are super smart and superior to everyone else. And for some reason  responsibility to teach and mould into what they think is right is upon them. This is a massive red flag and sign of a manipulative women . 

What further she used to do was to find fault in everything I did. She would do the same thing differently getting same result.Indirectly tell you that they are superior to you. This is their way of making you feel ‘less than them’ so that you defer your intellect to them and ask them for advice.

I told this to my therapist and she responded by saying that I cannot be wrong 100% of the times. If you are ending up asking her suggestions for everything means that you are losing confidence. Ask yourself , were you always like this ?. Ans – NO. This is the sign that she is manipulating and you have started doubting your decisions and feeling inadequate without her. If you are being sad in a relationship because your partner is making you feel you are not enough then think about being in such a marriage .

2) She is a divine woman who is never at fault – One of the most prominent signs you can see is that she is never at fault. Even if you have case , she will very smartly change the game right on it’s head and will become victim . In my case I remember how emotionally she would just murder me in head. If she has had a bad day at the office then I started something in the morning, if she screamed at her mother on the phone then it’s because I annoyed her. Everytime she was told that how unavailable she is emotionally to me was because I was also occupied doing something. Be it a vague as watching TV. If you complain about something which leads to a huge argument, she will turn the tables on you by pointing out past instances when you behaved in the same manner and how she did not raise hell then. 

You then come out as the petty one. If I am angry then it’s because I am not good enough to deal with issues and have some unrealistic expectations from my wife but if she is angry then it’s because I have done something. She would not even tell me what have I done. It’s my job to read her mind and find out as it’s obvious. But she won’t talk.Nothing will ever be her mistake. This is called gaslighting and it’s a great manipulation technique. I was just never good enough in anything and the reason for every problem. 

3) Emotional Blackmail – In my case I had made it pretty obvious that I love her to the moon and back. I will do anything in my capability to keep her happy and she used this to the core. Later,when explained by my Therapist ; I found out that I was abused in such a polite, gentle,subtle way that I used to feel bad myself . Bad for not being able to do things the way she wanted. 

She would say things about the biggest sacrifices she made only because she cares for you.She is the real victim here and it’s your duty to not make her feel that way. What sacrifices you have done are nothing in comparison. Anywhere she wants to go to she will use words to cut you slowly. Resulting you giving her what she wants.  

My therapist said next time if you ever come across such woman Take Charge , Call her Bluff and set boundaries. She has insecurities like everyone else and she should talk to you . This gives nobody the right to become such manipulators.

4) Your secrets of weakness are being used against You – If the love of your life , starts using your weaknesses which you only mentioned to her then you are in trouble. In my case she knew how much I love watching 90″s movies and especially ARSENAL FC play. She would sarcastically use my liking in taunts . How I am only good enough to watch Football ?

This may seem very cruel and you might not have realized that this was happening to you but manipulative women are extremely selfish. They take advantage of your weaknesses to get their work done. She, being your wife, would know a lot of things about you and during a fight, which she would bring up to hurt you where you are most vulnerable. 

I remember how I had stopped watching ARSENAL FC matches and would check notifications on phone. She would hurt the people I loved in a way that I could comprehend but could do very little about. Like she stopped answering my Parents phone calls , stopped going to my house telling me office just has too much work . So no time to answer phone calls and no holidays . And me being an idiotic lover Husband shielded and covered her. In the I had to stop displeasing her or get ready to face the music of mental and emotional abuse.

 If you see this happening, talk to her. Settle it and get the bully to back off. 

5) She Runs the Show and You are worthless – If in your marriage, you are the one who keeps on nodding and agreeing to all the small and big decisions made by her, you know that you have a manipulative wife . If you bring something then it’s not right one. Better ones are always available in the market. You will get so much involved in getting things she likes that you will lose sense of time . It’s your money but she makes you use it the way she wants. From visiting her house to meeting her friend at the airport . She tells you and you are in dilemma ending up responding what she wants. 

 She is picky about the friends and you see yourself more and more aligned with people she gets along with.You feel you are getting distant from your school and college friends because she doesn’t think much of them or maybe because they do not think much of her. She decides everything for both of you, she may ask for your opinion but you know in the end you will end up doing what she thinks is right. I remember forcing her to take a trip to Dubai with my parents instead as I was already on a small project. With everything planned and so much money spent just to make her smile , she did not stop cursing me how terrible it was. 

If you want to go out anywhere with friends you need to tell her in advance because you have to be responsible but she can make an impromptu trip with girls. Why ? Because she is the boss of her own life. She needs nobodies acceptance , permission for such trips.In a healthy relationship, a couple decides on things after discussing it with one another. A single person making all the decisions for two people is a sign of manipulation and a definite red flag in a marriage.  

6) Victim Card – She is the soul behind this marriage being intact today. It is her and just her who has made zillion sacrifices . She will show as how she is responsible for everything from house to office and how stressful life she is living. She will exaggerate her illnesses, or make up lies.

In my case she was the victim and I was the villain. Manipulative women are great at playing the victim card.She kept a record of every single sacrifice made and display it as their prized possession. She used to tell me how selfless she has been whereas how ungrateful I have been. Whereas, every single day I would get up looking at her face, kiss on her forehead, tell her love you and get up.

Moreover, such people often use emotional outbursts to support their ‘act’. You will see waterfall of tears and sadness but in your absence, she will be perfectly fine. I remember how the alcohol in the house would just disappear in my absence with the claim that her friends wanted a party.

7) You are the Reason – For anything bad in her life , you are the reason. She was almost announced the Queen of England before you married her. And it’s because of you today that her residence had to be changed. It’s now far from her office and it’s killing her . She throws you under the bus every time she takes the wrong decision in her life. This is an absolute devious woman you are dealing with. 

I remember embarrassingly asking my Therapist this question. Has she ever heard of someone filing for Divorce because the house is 1hr away from office ? . She laughed so hard . She said “Good couples talk such petty issues out. When she knows for a fact that rent for 1 year needs to be paid as per contract then bringing this topic in every fight is to make you feel guilty and sad. She will pretend as if her decisions were taken keeping your convenience in mind and she has to deal with the repercussions of it, and that ‘you are not helping’ “.

She used to blame me for her professional failures and sadness. Whereas I was trying to help her in every possible way. Be it House Chores , packing her lunch and dropping to her friend’s place with whom she used to drive to office.

If your woman cannot manage her professional and personal life then it’s her fault and not yours. All you can do is actually help her achieve goals and vice versa. It’s her own job to find balance and happiness , NOT YOURS.

8) She will never apologise – Even if you finally prove it to her that it is her fault, a manipulative wife will never say the word, ‘Sorry’. It is just too much for her ego. She is never apologetic. Instead, she would justify her actions or go silent as a way of telling you that she is hurt.

By deliberately not responding to your calls and text messages she will make you doubt your own point of view over the matter. You will start thinking, ‘What if she was right, she wouldn’t be so upset otherwise’. Maybe you will conclude you were not right to blame her. 

I remember catching her red handed lying to me . Instead of apologizing and accepting she asked me as how did I manage to catch her . On top of it her Father and mother asked me to not make a big deal. When your wife tells you she is in the office and she is not , what is the first thing that comes to mind. She is not answering my calls, replying texts and is caught lying. Herself and her family had absolute no regret about it and had no satisfying answer either. 

If your wife is like this , I would suggest talk to her. Not like my case where probably she had baggage of her ex-lover . A good woman and her family would address these issues. You can always talk  only if she is willing to talk . She has no right to behave like this . If your wife gives you silent treatment then it’s a serious problem. If you get angry then you are suppose to get normal in 30 secs or you are neglectful but she can stay silent for 2 weeks. Try counselling if you can but do not let such manipulative woman trouble you now. .

  Do not go around try telling people about her tactics. People do not understand such narcissist behaviour. It will come back to you and if she finds out, you are dead. Talk to her and if she is not ready work on it  then make an exit plan. Such women will make it very hard for you and her family will make it worse. Get ready to hit rock-bottom mentally and financially . This will hurt but when it’s over you will be at peace. Do your best to save your marriage but keep self-worth intact and walk away from such toxic person. 

People stay quiet in such relationships for very long period of time .They are ashamed to share and feel unworthy of someone better. 

Always remember if your Love doesn’t make you stronger,doesn’t make you wiser and doesn’t live a little bit then what are you doing in it. 

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ujjwal

ujjwal

A chilled out guy who loves to live life . Write about relationships from his own experience. https://usumblestories.blogspot.com

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