“9th Sept. 2019 “.
This day holds a memory and something to which I am never proud of . But this very day is the day when I actually spoke to myself for the very first time . The entire concept of killing yourself is not easy . You really need to think a lot as how to do it . Hanging yourself was not my type of dying and being food critic I was never really into self poison. I have seen enough violent movies in my life to figure out dying .
I remember very clearly , how I kept sitting in my car with her gone upstairs . I was angry but sad, embarrassed, cheated,heart-broken and felt that my entire world just crumbled in front of me . And to that I was mere a spectator. Helpless. The feeling you get when the love of your life is killing you with words and radio silence is deafening . That is the moment I realised that I might be physically strong but it’s her with words who is more powerful .
We reached home and she walked out of the car . Walking in her glory . And me sitting on the driving seat with hands on steering wheel looking at her for one last time going away thought in my head. I had decided in that moment that today is the day. I have failed in love and I am unworthy,not adequate enough, indecisive human who has no place in this world . I wanted her to listen of all or someone but world never looked so empty before . I was hiding my state from my friends, family and even myself . Being an optimistic guy made me try more each day and that actually made me more hurt than anything else.
“Love is Blind” as they say it . But Love being toxic !! No. That is not what I had in mind.
So after crying , cursing myself for good 20 mins with her gone upstairs with little or no worry that her husband has not followed up , I was sure. I am not needed and if my dying will make her happy then I am going to do it . I called up Dad who was on his way back from work and asked his well being . He sounded great and told me he had friend’s coming over tonight . Then I called up mom . She in a jiffy figured out something is not right . I again had to lie and convince her that my voice is different due to bad nose and throat .
After the phone calls , I was set . The plan was simple. I would drive to a location not far from the house which is kind of secluded . Would slit my wrists and play my favorite song in my beloved car and sleep for good. Today , it makes me laugh as what the fuck was I thinking . So as I was about to start my car again my phone rang . Unknown number . I thought let’s talk to this stranger what can I lose now . On the other side there was a girl who was asking me to donate money to save 6 year old girl suffering from cancer. I asked her as why she is lying and why this job. She replied , “I have a family to take care and I want to see the world”. After few minutes hearing from her I realized the same thing . I love my life .
I loved it before this toxic woman and her family came in my life. I have my dreams and I want to re-do so many things . It’s not me but her who has brought me here . I told myself ,”No, you cannot die . You do not deserve to die . You need to live and fulfil your dreams and desires . You need to make your parents and yourself proud. This is an act of cowardness and you cannot do this .”
I told myself that I cannot kill myself because so much needs to be done and relived again .
I want to sail across the ocean . On a sailboat surrounded by sea with no land in sight, without even the possibility of sighting land for days to come. To stand at the helm of my own destiny.
I want that one more time.
I want to be in the final of Cricket World Cup again , to feel the surge as thousand cheers make thunder on India win.
I want part of another Olympic Ceremony .
I want another meal in Paris at a michelin star.
I want another bottle of wine and then another.
I want the warmth of a woman in the cool set of sheets who loves me for who I am. The one who wants to be by my side and support me in up’s and down’s. I want to Love again .
One more Electronic Music Concert. One more Live Musical Play in a theatre in Vienna .
An Oprah in Berlin . Another Caipirinha in Copacabana .
I want to stand on summits and smoke weed and feel the sun on my face for as long as I can.
Walk the streets of Europe again in a snowy winter night and sunny summer day with my new Tom Ford to cover the sun rays with stylish LV loafers .
Walk again the white sand beaches in seychelles and make love to a lady on a full moon night with waves touching our feet.
Take her and watch northern lights .
Climb and watch sunrise.
Ride the River. Learn to swim and surf.
Stare at the frescos in Milan .
I want to sit in the garden in Switzerland and read one more good book and have Swiss Fondue.
Most of all I want to sleep. I want to sleep like I slept when I was a boy. In the lap of my mother.
Go and Rest In the lap of my lover.
Have a drink with my father .
Give me that. Just one time.
Once I am done with all what I want to do and what I want to do it again , I cannot die. I will not let this bitch affect me now, let alone the last of me . That is how I stopped myself from killing myself . I was re-born after a scam call . That very moment I decided that I need help. I decided to take therapy and help me become normal . That is when I decided to not suffer anymore from her abuse and share it with my family .