There are a number of things that actually become the cornerstone as of why a particular relationship won’t last or of its demise. I have been in few myself and have more or less identified the TOP 4, I believe are the real Killers.
Without further hold-up, let’s get down to business :
1) Indifference – Any relationship as written in one of my other articles, here is the link: https://usumblestories.blogspot.com/2020/12/ego-relationship-killer.html would require to have a paradigm shift. The indifferences would eventually start popping up in time and the problem start’s really killing it when one or both fundamentally stop to care for each other. The entire relationship, time spent, memories have been wrapped, packed and thrown out of the window and you just DO NOT CARE. It’s like self-acceptance that I might be married but WTF!
I am just better of alone or look as to how my colleague’s husband treats her after 1 year of marriage or maybe 10 years, this man of mine cannot and won’t pull it off, so I just don’t care anymore and him being alive or not, it just does not matter. This attitude and ego will eventually make you slowly disconnect leading to coldness and before you realize, both of you have drifted away with one being in Atlantic and other in Pacific. The fights or arguments are not about how to resolve and make it better but it’s about degrading the other. In my case, it had become to an extent that it had started to affect my professional life as I had started being a less confident individual.
The entire concept of being in love or with someone is that you as a person MATTER. The essential reason of being with someone is that out of 7billion people in the entire world, ONE person is proud of me, loves me for who I am, cares about my well being, feelings and will be with me till death do us apart. The day you start to have an indifference to this thought because of little things you believe are hard to accept because your ego does not allow you, your friends tell you differently, the concept of not accepting the paradigm shift in your fundamental principals is the day Indifferences start to arise. Be open, Be accepting till the time it will better your relationship and trust me, it will and it does. You will not get disconnected.
2) Neglect – The biggest mistake which people do is start taking their partner for granted. I have seen people taking care of their car and bike more than of the spouse. Everything becomes your priority except them, like; your parents, friends, phone, work. People prioritize work so much at times that the partner does feel neglected and taken for granted. I have seen my partner reviewing the worksheets, evaluating them, attending the issues of work than ours and even proofreading her official documents multiple times and even giving inputs about them to colleagues but missing out on us, and showing little or no interest in our relationship and troubles.
If someone has gone out of the city then surely except phone very little can be done but when in person, you cannot do that. How much time one gives to another is another topic but if someone does give you time, have an ear for you and reciprocate, its a good sign. Slowly, over the time you can reach an agreement as how much is liked by whom. This is not a 7-8month drill. People stop putting effort or even worse identifying the steps being taken and become lazy and believe it’s going to live out of its own, something like a cactus. No, it won’t. If one has lost interest for any reason known to them and have no intention to bring it back, trust me you cannot make them come back. You can jump from your balcony or come under the bus, they might show up to check what limbs you lost but that’s about it. It ain’t going to help. The one who has lost the interest needs to share and help their way back. Otherwise, it is pretty much a downward spiral from there.
3) Violence – Level of disrespect you start giving it to your partner with no remorse and absolutely insulting the relationship is the violence I am talking about. No punches and slaps here, that is physical abuse and that yes, if present RUN AWAY.
Degrading the other in words which hurt more than physical punches, by reminding him/her of all the goods you did and sacrifices you made because they as per you did… nothing. Nothing Ever for you is just the wrong thing to say. Because they know they did and most importantly you know yourself they did. The weightage can differ but surely they did as it takes two to tango.
When a woman/man starts degrading and insulting you mentally in the tone which they know they can never use in the office, street or anywhere else; you should have bells ringing in your head. The reason they are doing this because they know that with you they can get away with it. They know that you probably are too nice or just love them harder than they do to you. You are used in a way. And you might take because you are here to stay, are family now and they use this tone and dismissal which is passive-aggressiveness in a way is sheer violence. Always remember that when you do not like what your partner is doing or did, you complain but do not criticize. It’s not about how the conflict between you started, it’s about how did you guys resolve it. Start doing this and feel the difference.
Playing mind games of not answering phones, texting back after many hours or leaving the message unread are all signs that your partner is little interested in resolving them and has his/her own demons to deal with than you. This is mental violence to the other partner. FYI- This observation of mine has come from experience with two of the recent connections I had. They won’t accept it but people with giant EGO’s are just not fit to have good understanding partners. They will blame the other for making them do this without realizing that this is their internal problem before the partner even existed in life. And if the other is offering help, they should grab it with both hands before they decide to move on and leave egomaniac for good.
4) Contempt – Degradation of an entire relationship. You are nothing. It’s like saying 10,000 words to your partner without saying a single word at all. That one gaze, look you give which literally is a signal that you are so done. Contempt is the biggest killer of all.
When the partner starts feeling that my husband/wife are not of any use to me is the time when real insult starts to happen. It’s a clear sign that they have either found someone or have started feeling that I was better off without you. This is a real deal where you become completely invisible to them and its only a matter of time before this time bomb goes off. This is the time when the partner’s real character comes out. Instead of battling for both, this one has become selfish and is ready to break it all. People of this mindset will usually get bored in a relationship thinking it has become monotonous blaming the partner but themselves doing little about it. Such people are usually the one’s who have not moved on from previous lovers, narcissist or actually have reached to the conclusion that they are not fit for marriage or need a man/woman in life.
Usually, this is a one-way street and people who reach here, in my experience ruin families and almost never turn around. They are losers of A-Category and deserve absolute hell for doing this .
Now, the bigger question is, as to how do people who are in so much love, actually reach this stage?
What you need to understand here is that you only have two sorts of relationships in life. One – with your parents and Second – is with the people you fall in love with. People would say, you are the only one who does this, I only do this for you, etc, etc but if you go back in history and think that from where this closeness and trust has been learnt and other adjectives like loyalty, commitment, receiving, giving, vengeance, rage, anger, coldness,ego, love , etc ; it has come from your parents or what you saw at your home. And the beauty is that you will never accept it and the simple way or as a default mechanism you just blame it on your partner for all your evil ones . Because anyone who is doing , knows exactly where it is coming from and feels ashamed but we as humans are very good at hiding things and one way to hide it is by putting it on the other stating that you are the reason I have become this . But the truth is that he/she has triggered you to this much that it has lead you to reveal a side which you yourself never knew existed. Thus , far more bigger reason to stay with them after a fight .
One of the fascinated things in a relationship is sexuality . From history to current times in the world, sex has been used as a tool of procuration , sex is a marital duty on the part of the woman and man does not particularly needs to find out as what she likes or not and men have the privilege to also find sex elsewhere. Sex is used as a tool of liberation for women these days and not many use it as an act of connection , bond strengthening and emotional connect. Don’t get me wrong but contraception pill was never made with a thought of giving one woman multiple partners or a man carrying pills distributing to every women he liked and made love . Earlier , you used to marry and have sex for the first time but now you get married and stop having sex with others . Monogamy as a concept was one person for life but now Monogamy is one person at a time . I have met and seen men and women saying ,”I have been monogamist in all my relationships” , Well, how bloody ridiculous people have become .
The most important thought which you should have in mind is that the very reason you guys selected each other and got married was because you guys made each other happy , gave butterflies in the stomach, you were attracted but what thought 99% of partners do not understand is that if all the above mentioned slow down or died , it does not mean the love is no more. The fact is that sexuality in a long term relationship is rooted to only one thing , “DESIRE”. The only reason of doing it with one person even after you have 2 kids is because I feel like it . And hopefully , you(partner) feel like it because it still connects us , bonds us, makes us happy , makes me still feel belonged. And also you still want to do it with your partner in the house because DESIRE can take you places. You have to learn to stay desired but with one person alone and stay happy, comfortable, loved, cheered even after 60years of marriage.
The scientific research says, that women get bored much faster than men. Men desire goes down gradually but women go down really fast and its kind of translated as women care less about it. Rather, it’s because they care less about having sex in this committed relationship because the Disney story they heard, saw, read is not interesting enough anymore. The seduction, romance which is the essential Turn On for woman has disappeared in this long term commitment. The man needs to work it out and pace it for woman, even if its 5minutes of kissing and playful other things. But the women have picked other things over this in life. They want safety, stability and security first and all this later but nobody is like that. Every man cannot give you this super package and the ones you believe do are Disney characters. Rather than questioning the man that he does not turn-me on , why not ask yourself. What does turn me on ? not What the man does to turn you, not asking how is he responsible for you but asking yourself and the answer will be,” it is when I have an awesome day in office, it is when my friends say, “what an amazing dress” or when I am with them, it is when I am singing, playing music and desire happiness and pleasure. That is alive, vibrant and full erotic.
This is the place where you have to come in the mood for that making out session which will complete you as a couple. The biggest pump for men is usually confidence, or when they are playing sport or in their element when they are not needed but wanted by the partner. Caretaking is a very special feeling for a man and for a woman and acts as a great aphrodisiac. But this will only work if the other accepts the care. Again it’s not about how much caring someone is but little acts should give you that little boost every now and then. A balance between desire and love is something which needs to be maintained. Sometimes, you just stay home in bed and sometimes you reach home by 10PM but in both the cases you are desired to be home and feel loved and not demanded. It’s this calibration which if both understand can lead to fruitfulness. This will make you alive, in the zone and become playful. When the woman tells the man that whatever he is doing for them and family is just great and she is proud of them, it’s just an amazing feeling and same can be said by the man. Such things can then lead to better bond and connect and you can open the doors to communication which never existed and can discuss anything from the lovemaking to what the others want or feel is missing in the relationship.
Take your partner for lunch at times than Dinner. You do lunch with your colleagues where you are still fully charged and by the time you reach home, your partner gets left-overs. This is so wrong. Either you bring the energy back or make up for it. This is not one person’s job to do and one cannot every time save a relationship. Stay home extra for an hour and say, I could not talk to him/her last night let me do it now. This might lead to sex or not but it will make the path for it. You should not kill the mystery and always remember that Desire is a risk. How can I improve my relationship, How can I make us better, “I” is the term here and not “YOU”. This exactly isn’t that you need to do every day but every now then something which your partner nods YES to. There is no reason for you to believe we cannot work this out if both of you are committed for it. The acceptance to uncomfortable will take time but it will change you guys for the better. NO pain. No Gain.
Then comes the expectations bit. What you need to understand is that there is no relationship in which the other always lives up to expectations. The closest relationship anyone has is with parents. Can you name a single child who has never ever been disappointed by the way he/she was treated? Such things do not exist. You need to understand the concept of calibrating and accordingly tell yourself to manage it. The one whom you want to deliver each time will also have a list for you to follow. Expectation is living the way you want the other to live and this means having more power than the other. Where is the woman who said ,”we are equals” , is this what equality is? The shift of power! . You can discuss and lay down a better foundation to not get hurt very often and do not think of breaking the bond or losing respect for the other in the meantime. The word “expectation” is a strong word and forcing someone to do it for you is not love , it’s a warning and threat. If the other can do it and believes it’s for betterment he/she will do it but them not doing it the way you want, can make you file for divorce! Think again, Did you marry God?
You as a human being are supposed to be Happy & sad. Expect someone to be with you even when you are absolutely low . Do not expect them to do something and get hurt by it . If they do it fantastic but if they are not doing or able to do it , find a middle ground and get content with it . If they are doing other things and keeping you in life sharing all big and low things , what more do you want .
But all this will work only if you are willing to do it and ready to do it . One partner cannot alone do it and nobody has the power to read minds. If both of you are willing to make it last forever only then it will.